I have always wanted a blog. I'm not sure that I wanted it to be like this though. I've decided that I should take the time and examine my life. How I got here. Where I want to go. What should I do next.
What you need to know about me the most is simply this: I am unhappy.
I can't really remember the last time I was truly happy. I've been battling depression for years. Sure, I've taken medication for it. Felt great up until I gained 60 pounds. That negative self-body image really can counteract any antidepressant. (That and being forbidden to sit on furniture...but more on that later.)
I'm not really sure what I am going to do. I have been contemplating suicide for a long time. It's not that I want to die, it's more that I don't want to go on living. I am afraid of death, for sure. I hate pain. I also have the fear that things will happen the moment after I leave. The biggest thing for me though, is I am afraid of change.
You'll see that I am the biggest whiner around. I'm sure that I can easily turn my situation around but I am paralyzed to do so. Why? I don't know. Perhaps this blog will help me in more than one way. Perhaps not. I guess we'll have to see. Either way, 2015 is the year. I cannot wait any longer.
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